


As I Die Here Another Day

by does_that_scare_you



Series: Small Sad Drabbles [1]
Category: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011)
Genre: Betrayal, Canonical Character Death, Drabble, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Not Happy, Tragedy, Trauma, Treason, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26653996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/does_that_scare_you/pseuds/does_that_scare_you
Summary: The ache feels like hunger. Maybe for solace, maybe for answers.
Relationships: (mentioned) - Relationship, Ann Smiley/George Smiley, Bill Haydon/Ann Smiley, Bill Haydon/Jim Prideaux
Series: Small Sad Drabbles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939327
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	As I Die Here Another Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [th_esaurus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/th_esaurus/gifts).



> It's two am, I can't sleep, I am upset, depressed and a sudden rush of creativity and tragedy has gotten into me. I don't have any more explanations for this. Enjoy.

A broken heart is way more than just a feeling, Jim is sure of. When he breaths, it's shatters move around his ribcage and burry themselves with sharp edges into whatever is still left there.

Some nights, when he lays still, Jim can feel them grow inside of him, spreading, transforming into something mutilated, something ugly. Like cancer, or worse.

The ache feels like hunger. Maybe for solace, maybe for answers.

_Why?_

Jim had given him everything until his heart felt like an overstimulated muscle.

Jim went with him to parties, during their time in Oxford as well as during their time at the circus, even though all the fake smiling made his jaw hurt and the anxiety was eating him up from inside.

But Jim kept him company anyway, wherever Bill wanted him to, whenever he wanted to. Because Jim knew that Bill's fear to be left by himself was way bigger than his anxiety will ever be.

Which he never was, because Bill was not Jim, he had straighter teeth, his smile was brighter and his hair was better groomed.

How could somebody like Bill ever be left by himself?

And still, it never mattered to Jim, at least not enough to deny his wishes, because when Bill looked at him, touched him, told him that he was beautiful, it was worth to be alive, besides aching jaws and everything.

_Why Ann?_

They didn't smoke her first blunt with him on the rooftop of the university library and named stars after each other. She didn't force herself to smile for him. She'd never listened to him close to tears talking about other girls. She didn't keep him company, because his smile made her day always a bit better.

He was interesting to her because he was fitter and around ten years younger than her husband.

His time as a teacher gave him time to forgive, maybe even forget. He would never have returned to London if he had been allowed to. It had gotten so far out of his reach, all those blinding lights, the loud noises, the rush. Jim liked the village at the border of Scottland they have sent him to, his sweet, little nothing.

He enjoyed the shelter of routine, the ability to trust everything to stay just as it is. One could think that he is a bit too old for naivety, isn't he? Unfortunately, age was never a guarantee for wisdom. 

Jim wished that Smiley would have never visited him and just left him in his numb and cosy unawareness.

How often is a heart able to break before it completely vanishes?

Jim remembers whips, knives, ropes, nails. He remembers his body hurting so much that he barely feels it. The only thing that kept him alive were Bill's brown hues. Honey in the early morning hours, Brandy in lust-filled nights. Ironic, considering that those eyes got him into his misery over and over again.

_I'm sorry._

Jim wanted to believe it. Believe it, because it sounded different from the other times he had said it. Honest, not proud. Desperate, not clever. Maybe it was because, on both sides of the riffle, they were stripped bare. Shared time and fading, last seconds would burn up every lie, so why waste them?

 _Yes_ , Jim whispered, not caring if Bill could hear him.   
  
Some nights, when he lays still, Jim can hear Bill apologising in the dark, a bloody tear running down his dead eyes. Bill knows that he forgave him. Because Jim was not Bill, he couldn't think straight over the shatters of his broken heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Titel inspired by Labrinth's 'Jealous'.


End file.
